


The Lower, Lower East Side

by ETPhoneHomex, jaspuffin



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band), Pop Music RPF, Saturday Night Live
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Baristas, Camren - Freeform, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Crossover, Crushes, F/F, Group chat, M/M, Multi, New York City, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parties, Rating May Change, Roommates, Sethon - Freeform, Sexual Confusion, Singing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-04 22:30:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18353018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ETPhoneHomex/pseuds/ETPhoneHomex, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaspuffin/pseuds/jaspuffin
Summary: Two struggling singers fall for two police officers and handle the romance with problems of their own. (lmao or something like that)





	1. The Weirdos of America

**Author's Note:**

> (This chapter is written by jasism) 
> 
> So at some point a while ago, me and my friend Eilidh (ETPhoneHomex) decided it would be a good idea to write a piece of fanfiction together. It was bound to be a crossover like this since our core interests aren't shared for the most part (well, besides writing.) So what you have here is an AU combination of our fandoms: Fifth Harmony for her, Saturday Night Live for me Enjoy! 
> 
> \- Jasper

“ _...never, ever, ever be the same…" _

Camila came through loud and clear, the bassist’s arpeggiated rhythm following her improvisational singing voice. This surely was a skill; Camila could be unexpectable in the way she chose to sing, and the musicians had to follow along by the second, not that anybody in the club cared since she was generally unknown.

The club wasn't packed but it was the biggest audience she’d seen in a while. At that time they had the masses heading for something more exciting than a Cuban girl singing her own songs which she  _ wrote herself _ . And the fact that it was 5 in the evening on a Wednesday probably played part in the lack of, well, anyone. Four, maybe five incredibly bored, incredibly stoned riverside teens who call everyone posers for a living hung out around the tables.   
  
The band faded out and Camila stepped forward, taking the microphone into her hands.   
"Um," microphone feedback spread as she tapped on the mesh, making everyone wince. 

"You guys are probably too high on whatever you're high on to appreciate me, but thanks for showing up anyway. From Havana to the Lower East Side, I’m Camila Cabello."

A few unimpressed grunts from the audience and soon Camila was the only person left in the room. She put pressed the microphone back onto the stand, almost dropping it in the process, walked offstage and slumped into a chair. Dinah looked on from backstage, sipping on poorly prepared coffee. She reassured Camila and gave her sentimental words of encouragement, but Camila’s constant self-deprecation got in the way of anything mattering to her.    
  
"How am I so bad at this?” she muttered, scrolling through her phone. “I mean, sure I’m performing at the most fucking pathetic clubs and bars the city has to offer, but so did all the great pop stars, at some point at least. They got somewhere, so why not me?"   
  
Dinah sighed, "I don't know, you’re twenty three-"

"Twenty two, bitch," Camila chirped in, making Dinah roll her eyes. 

"Either way, you’re damn young, girl. Not much experience with the scene but plenty of time to learn, right?"   
  
Camila glanced up at her friend and tilted her head confusedly, "Experience?"   
  
"Yeah. I mean this is, what, your third show? Opportunity awaits, Camz. Besides, your edge is… edgy, so to speak. People need to hear it and they will. Just give ‘em time."   
  
Camila stared at the ground, chewing at her bottom lip with her hands folded around her chest.

“You wanna get a drink?”

___________________________________________   
  


Leathery incense hit her like a grenade as she unlocked her apartment door and stepped in. Stefon Zolesky, her roommate, was at the desk typing up something on a website dedicated to pornos set in abandoned warehouses.

Stefon and Camila wouldn't look like they had anything in common at the first take. She's a beautiful girl with a normal style of existing, he’s the lovechild of everything an acid addict has had visions of. But unless both of them being aspiring singers who work shifts at a prancy cafe to get by isn't something they have in common then neither of them should really have anything to do with each other.

Stefon was 5 years Camila’s senior and they've been lodging for a year, ever since she moved up from Florida. Her Floridian past was intriguing to Stefon, a sucker for the weirdos of America while being a weirdo of America himself. Camila has plenty of encounters to tell him about. Most important of all is the patience she had with Stefon's affinity for alternative nightclubs - and the guys he brought home from the said alternative nightclubs, that too.

She snuck up to him like she does all the time. Honestly, she doesn't know why it even surprises him anymore.

“YOU SAW NOTHING!” Stefon yelled, his frightened eyes darting to her. He clutched his hand to his heart in relief. “Ugh, Camimo, stoooop! You're nerving me up here, gosh…”

“Sorry, Stef. Go back to your porn. Warehouses, right?”

“Abandoned. They give me thrills, ‘specially when there's some, like, possessed android costume orgy going on,” he spun his trashy chair around all the way. “How was the club?”

“Ugh… an audience of high teenagers I guess? I don't wanna talk about it.”

“Mm, I feel ya. I'm taking an open mike competition tomorrow morning.”

“During work?”

“Oh god no, I meant tomorrow morning as in 1am. Insomniacs get by!”

___________________________________________________

The bar was loud, all except for a small corner, occupied by two off-duty cops.

"Lauren, I'm tellin’ you; if there's anyone there to be better at this high speed chase gig than Ari, we're gonna have some problems, and I'd chew my leg off."

"Well," said Lauren, taking her jacket off. "I hope you like leg meat, because Ariana is nothing compared to Normani."

Troye rolled his eyes, " _ Biatch _ , come on. Be serious here. We're talking highway interception here. Normani? One of your goonies?"

"Yeah, so? What's it to you? Fuckin' hypocrite."

A chair pulled out next to Lauren. "God, sorry I'm late, guys. Downtown traffic was a nightmare."

"Hey, no problem Meyers." Lauren took another drag from her joint. “God, I love it when they let weed into these places.”

"Uh, Seth, d'you maybe know where Normani is? She said she'd be here-" Troye looked at his watch, "A half hour ago."

Lauren shrugged indifferently.

"Well, it's the West Village and the West Village is cruiser central. The perfect place for girls like her to get rejected by every person she tries hooking up with.” Seth was full of fun little sarcastic remarks like that.

"In relation to that, Meyers, you found your rebound girl yet? New York's full of them. Ladies desperate to get some  _ daddy action _ . Your exact type unless I'm wrong."

Seth looked down at the table and fidgeted. "Sivan, could you please make fun of straight guys somewhere else?"

"Okay, okay, your choice, old man. I'm gonna order a couple drinks, you want anything?"

Seth decided on something he hadn't had in a while, just a stupid impulse he's yet to let go of. "Let me get a piña colada."

Troye scoffed, "Wow, hello, Mr Exotic! Want that cocktail  _ virgin _ ? Just kidding, just kidding. A little vodka shot for you, Lauren, you boring bastard?"

Lauren nodded, “You know me so well,” her joint hanging loosely from her lips.

"Right. I'll be back in a sec."

Lauren looked over at Seth, who was playing with a button on his navy blazer. "You look bored."

"Mm hm?" Seth did this a lot when he was down, ignoring everyone.

"Good choice you made with that cocktail, by the way. It's nice to try something new every now and then, right?"

"Every once in a while? What do you mean? This job is brand new for me. An East  _ and  _ West Village cop? This is… wow."

"That's not even close to what I meant, let me finish," Lauren extinguished her joint into an ashtray. “Say you just broke up with your girlfriend, which you clearly have. You've been with her for a while, you've been with girls all your life, you're also reaching that point in your life where, y’know, there's a slot for something new.”

"What's your point? I'm meant to suddenly, I don't know, be into men or something? I'm desperate but, God, never  _ that _ desperate."

“I can tell, Seth. You can't last a month without a love interest under your wing."

"Love interest? What does this have to do with changes?" 

"...or under  _ you _ , even."

"You make me sound like a predatory old man."

"Heh, yeah, I know. I just wanted to make you talk. Something ridiculous like that obviously does the trick, I'll consider that tactic for the future. Anyway, there's a couple clubs to the East Side with some cute guys streaking around. Maybe you co-"

"No! Lauren, what the hell? Want me to say the words? I'm not gay. Okay? Do I really come off that way to you guys?"

"Hey, calm down, man. It was just a suspicion- suggestion, I mean. I'm a bi woman, and Troye is pretty good at perpetuating stereotypes, so I guess I figured."

Troye came back with their drinks, and Seth immediately remembered why he hadn't ordered that sickly sweet pineapple drink in years.

While Troye and Lauren were discussing Normani’s whereabouts, Seth involuntarily let a few of Lauren's words get to him. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe after all he'd been through with the girls in his life this pointed to a total one-eighty. Maybe- 

The back of his chair vibrated subtly.

Seth scrambled through his coat pockets to find his phone, a call from the station was on his lock screen. “Sivan, Jauregui, some psycho party kids in an apartment on the Lower-Lower East Side. Let's get this shit done!”


	2. The meeting of the two pairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party gets shut down. Camila and Stefon have record deals. Lauren saves camila from her aggressive ex and more...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we are. A second chapter on the second day. Whoop whoop. My good friend jasper and I helped each other for these chapter. So I hope you enjoy it all.

 

Recap:

Seth scrambled through his coat pockets to find his phone, a call from the station was on his lock screen. “Sivan, Jauregui, some psycho party kids in an apartment on the Lower-Lower East Side. Let's get this shit done!”

 

Lauren, Troye, and Seth went to the apartments. They could hear the music from the bottom floor. They ran up the stairs. Not bothering with the slow and rickety elevator. They soon reached the source of the sound. There were two people arguing outside of it.

“Camila, forgive me. Please. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“You never wanted to hurt me? Yet you had sex with another girl. IN OUR APARTMENT! Just fuck off, Austin!”

“Camila.”

Lauren saw him grab her hand and start going to hit her. So she sprinted towards,  "Austin was it?" and tackled him to the floor.

Troye saw the whole thing play out and ran to Camila to talk to her. He took her hand and pulled her into a hug which she gladly returned while sobbing.

Seth was in the party, ignoring what Lauren and Troye were doing. He went to shut off the party that’s when a man came up to him.

“Woah, woah, woah. What are you doing here, hottie?”

“I’m shutting this party down. We could hear it from downstairs.”

“Aw sorry, no can do. Me and my friend finally got into the music industry.”

“Good for you. But we still have to stop the party.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll open the door for you, then.”

“EVERYONE OUT. DINAH OVER HERE NOW. GET CAMIMO!”

“COMING!” could be heard over the crowd and I saw Lauren approaching with Troye and a young brunette under her arm.

“Lauren, please tell me who this is?”

“This is Camila, Seth. And don’t be rude.”

“Ooo, this officer's name is Seth? I like it” Stefon said in a small voice and a blush creeped up Seth’s cheeks.

Troye and Lauren laughed aloud. And Lauren shot him a knowing look. He shook his head and pulled a face at her. She chuckled.

Then looked to Camila and said something in her ear that no one else could hear. Camila nodded.

And finally the apartment was clear of all the drunk people. They sat on the couch.

And then Seth finally spoke up. “So your lucky. I won’t give you a fine for this. Just as long it doesn’t happen again.” They all looked gobshocked.

“Thank you, officer Meyers. I promise it won’t happen again. We just finally got picked up by the music industry.” Camila only just managed to stutter out.

That made Lauren squeeze her hand, which made Camila look up. This staring match only lasted a few minutes when Dinah had enough and clapped her hands close to their heads.

“Jauregui, Sivan. We need to go back to the station. Or else Hamilton will have done something stupid. Again.”

“Bye Stefon, DJ and Mila.” Troye says as he gets up.

“Bye bitch,” came in sync from Dinah and Stefon.

“Bye Camzi, see you later. Bye Dinah and Stefon.” Lauren got up with a pout on her face. Seth nudged her to leave. And they left.

After the three policemen left the other 3 got to talking. “That Lauren girl has a crush on you Mila. Don’t even deny it.”

“What Stefon? We all know you have the hots for Seth.”

“And what? Chancho, Ally would swoon for that Troye boy. And you like ‘lolo’ don’t you?”

“Yeah you're right. On all those things. The trouble is. We,” she made a circle gesture with her hand, “will never see those hot officers again.”

“Not actually. Lauren told me not to tell you. But she gave me her number so we can start a group chat.” Dinah said.

“What? How? Wasn’t she with Mila the whole time?”

“No. Lolo wasn’t with me the whole time. She went to the toilet. And got a quick drink of water. She might have seen DJ then”

“Yeah so Jauregui gave me her number. And we are creating a group chat. She said this Kordei girl would like me. And you know how I am”

“Trust me” and “we know” came out of Camila’s and Stefon’s mouth at the same time.

—————————————————————  
The next day

“Okay. So let’s start this group chat.”

DJ.Hottie added Cami, Lauser, Stefie and allysus to the group chat.

DJ.hottie- Lauser add your friends to the group.

Lauser added Troye, Seth and mani to the group chat Seth is typing....


	3. The leading to the date.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauren walked over to camila our one hang on her hip. And used her other hand to lift Camila’s jaw only to tilt it up. They stood staring at each other. Camila licked her lips...
> 
> Slowly Lauren began to speak. 
> 
> “Can. Can I kiss you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn’t much. I have a lot going on in my head to figure out so I had an idea and this was the best I could do. Sorry if you don’t like it. 
> 
> -ETPhoneHomex

—————————————————————  
The next day

DJ.Hottie added Cami, Lauser, Stefie and allysus to the group chat.

DJ.hottie- Lauser add your friends to the group.

Lauser added Troye, Seth and mani to the group chat Seth is typing....

 

Seth- no. No no no no  
Stefie- oh yes yes yes yes yes.  
Lauren- hahaha. Camzi, ya know before who was having sex in the corner of the room?  
Dj.hottie- that would be phan  
Mani- who’s sethie, camz, phan, ally and djhottie  
Lauren-hey no. Camzi is my nickname for her. No one else can call her that :|.  
Mani- jeez okay then  
DJ.hottie- phan is Phil and dan. They are english you tubers. I’m Dinah Jane. Aka dj. Hottie.  
Cami- DJ. I thought I was the hot one in the group.  
Stefie- Mila’s right. She’s got that Cuban ass to prove it. 

Dinah had lightly slapped the back of camila’s and stefon’s heads. And they all burst out laughing. 

“Yes she has got the Cuban ass but I’ve got this mane of hair and tall body to prove my beauty. You asshats”

“We weren’t saying you weren’t pretty. We were just saying that camila is Cuban. And that’s why she gets more numbers than us two combined. Plus she sounds hot talking Spanish.”

“Do I? I thought my accent wasn’t as thick anymore” 

“It ain’t as thick as that ass. But believe me it’s the sass that gets me every time.”

Camilas phone bleeped but no one else’s did. She looked at the back of it on the table confused. She slowly picked it up as Stefon and Dinah kept talking between themselves about if Dinah should still be their manager. 

Lolo- hey camzi. I’m off work if you want to meet me somewhere. 

Camila grinned at the text message. But another buzz caught her attention. It was from Austin this time 

Asstin- hi. I’m sorry about everything I want you back. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m really really sorry for going to hit you as well.  
Mila- well no. I ain’t coming Back to you. Not again. I was foolish. Go back to your side hoe Becky.  
Asstin- seriously Mila? I love you. I can’t live without you.  
Mila- should have thought of that before you cheated on me. And your alive without me now. So goodbye. 

And with that she blocked Austin and went to Lauren’s contact and pressed the call button. 

To Camila’s surprise Lauren picked up on the first ring. So camila got up and walked to her bedroom. 

“Hey camz”  
“Hey Lolo”  
“This isn’t usually this my style. But do you want to go out on a date with me tonight?”  
“It may not be your style but yes. I’d love to. When, were and what clothes?”  
“Casual clothes, in an hour and at the park. But I’ll come pick you up”  
“Okay. I’ll be ready”  
With that Lauren hung up the phone. So camila sprinted back to the living room in her messy apartment with both panic and dread on her face. Dinah spotted her worry. 

“Woah Mila are you okay?”  
“No I’m not. I have a date with Lauren in an hour. It’s casual. I need to look good. Help?” This time Stefon answered. 

“Of course darling. We shall glam you up. You shall look perfect babes.” Camila hugged Dinah and Stefon. Before grabbing their hands and pulling them to her room. 

“Okay. Chanch. Where’s this date taking place.”

“Oo. I know this. It’s at the park.”  
Dinah and Stefon exchanged glances as if they both knew the perfect outfit for camila already in their minds. And in fact they did. 

“You go get the clothes stefie. I’ll do her makeup. She’s already had her hair done today. Since she got it done for the party.”

“Okay.” Camila got pushed into a seat and Stefon walked into her rather large and messy closet. Dinah started applying makeup to Camila’s face. But it’s already got a good colour and smooth texture to it so it only needs light stuff. Dinah applied eyeliner, mascara, foundation and a little bit of concealer(not in that order.).  
When camila was finished with her make up. She went to Stefon who had her clothes out for her. She put them on herself then smoothened out the creases. She turned around to show Stefon and Dinah. Their mouths hung open. 

“Shut your mouths. Unless you want bugs in them”

“I take it back. You are the hottest out of us. No more debating. How long till Lauren comes.” Camila checked her phone. A message saying Lauren would be here in 2 minutes. 

“She’s here right now.”

“Okay. Bye. Good luck. Here’s your purse. Your card. And your keys.”stefon said while Dinah handed her her things. With that camila Walked out the apartment and took the lift down to the bottom floor. She walked out the building only to see Lauren leaning against a very expensive car. She was leaning against a Lamborghini vieno. Oh how Camila’s mouth dropped.


	4. I'll Have What She's Having

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefon has a run-in with a cop, but not in the way you'd think.
> 
> (Chapter by jasism)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok for those of yall who aren't familiar, David Bowie is Stefon's canon dad lmao

And with that, Dinah and her best friend's roommate were left alone. She hardly knew anything about Stefon apart from that he shared shifts with Camila at the coffee joint downtown, he was a club expert of sorts, dramatically camp, and probably bipolar.

“So,” Dinah inquired. “Any plans yourself? You know, with that cop guy? What's your deal?”

“Seth? Ohhhh, ya knowww, it's that classic thing of where I fall for a hetero guy who's, like, totally out of my league and stumble my way on my little pixie feet into his world where he miraculously takes a chance with me and makes me the future Mrs Stefon Zolesky-Bowie-Meyers. Ya dig?”

“...not really, but you know what you're talking about, good for you. You go together adorably.”

Stefon playfully nudged her shoulder and slicked his hair back a little. “Like we don't know that! Anyways, I gotta head over to the café. My boss is on the verge of revoking my job tenure, and,” he gestured around the room. “Can't risk it! If I run into Seth, I swear to  _ god  _ I'm creasing.”

“Fair. Shit, I'm running late as well.” They hugged, and stepped outside into the hallway. “I hope we get to hang out some more, Stef. Camila always talks about how…  _ interesting  _ you are. I'd love to see that side of you. Later!”

_________________________________________________

It was a shame to have to stop the cassette of Dead Or Alive’s  _ You Spin Me Round Like A Record  _ mid-song, but Stefon's music take-off and life in general depends on this job. He got out the car, trying not to hit the side of the blue door next to him- wait. A police car? Police?! SETH?! The car was empty, and the only open store in the vicinity was the café. Shit.

“Mm mm, nope, nonono, I am not letting a panic attack involving my straight future husband totally wreck my chances of leading on my straight future husband. ”

From behind the desk in the café, Stefon scanned the room for the hunky cop, who he spotted hanging by the door in his cute cop suit which Stefon personally would've liked to be a little tighter but that's just because of all the cop-arrests-human-ATM porn subgenres he's lived off. All his attention was centered on him, a random man he's unbearably attracted to, a classic move of his which played a burden in most scenarios. This is vivid. So fucking vivid. What's gotten into him? This is a  _ customer  _ who Stefon'll probably never see again in like, a thousand years even though he just consequently ran into him, then he takes one glance at Seth’s handcrafted face and he forgets everything he'd ever learned in life? This is vivid.

“Excuse me? Hey, screamo twink, I'm ordering?”

Stefon’s hand was frozen on the plate he was supposed to hand to the woman (is that Joan Baez? No, it's a drag queen on the way to a Golden Girls reunion in New Jersey) he was serving as he peered over her shoulder, the cinnamon roll flaking over the ceramic surface.

“What did you just- agh, here,” mumbled Stefon, still soberly intoxicated with fear and excitement. Seth was coming closer. And closer, oh god, is he ordering here? He bumped shoulders with the woman and took her place. God, okay.

He wasn't sure if eye contact was really an option, had it not been for his stupid eyes being glued straight ahead.

“Do you take cash or credit? Either is fine- hey, wait a minute, you're the guy from last night! Steven, was it?” Ah, he forgot what magic his voice had to it. The sound was a crosswalk between coffee and caramel.

“Ste _ fon _ . And yeah, Seth Meyers, we take both,” even if they didn't take either he would happily arrange something for Seth. Anything.

“Sweet. What do you recommend?”

“Oh, well, you're probably not, like, a local to this side, so the Lower, Lower East version of coffee might be outta your league, sooo, a cinnamon macchiato sound okay? It's what that last lady ordered.”

“Then I'll have what she's having.”


End file.
